Sunday, December 7, 2008
steps
today i'm numb - trying to feel my feelings. i worry that i won't be able to access those places that i probably need to because it will leave me unable to fulfill the details of my roles. i'm a dad, a husband, a child, a teacher . . . . . what happens to all of those? i can cerebralize all of this . . . i've read about the stages of grief and you know what? there are so many models . . . who knew? my focus now is to support my mother. 
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Actually, Steven, you had it right the first time! You first must focus on finding and then acknowledging your own feelings!!
Much easier said - or perhaps I should say 'accepted' - than done. I am not of the male persuasion, and so do not really 'know' how a male goes about doing this. (Theoretically/ideally, I guess it should 'go' the same, but - in reality, I don't think it does.) Having said all that, I believe that YOU are well on your way and possibly even ahead of the game, Steven, as sensitive and responsive as you are to others.
There's (imo) just a wonderful little paperback book out there - at least, I HOPE it's still out there! - called, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." I recommend it highly, Steven. As with many other such books, it describes the various stages of grief and loss, but what this book has to offer in addition are little snippets of poetry and thoughts that may or may not pertain to one's specific situation at any given point in time.
There's one such that I'd like to share with you. It goes (something like, cuz I can't find my copy right now - terribly dogeared and hi-lighted, I'm sure, with many diff. colors depending on which 'loss' I was experiencing at the time) ... "I sat evaluating myself. I decided to lie down."
You feel how you feel how you feel how you feel, Steven! Your feelings are very real and an integral part of you.
You worry about possibly losing touch with and unable to fulfill the details of some of your 'responsibilities' ... dad/husband/child/teacher ... "What happens to all of those?" (you ask)
Nothing 'happens' to all of those, Steven! All of what is going on within you right now will be incorporated into what makes you YOU, and you will become an even more aware, thoughtful, and loving person.
Try to have patience. The grieving process takes time. Just the fact that you're acknowledging your self-doubt is, in and of itself, a step in the process.
In spite of your 'inability' to capitalize letters and type at the same time, I've noticed that you always seem to write 'God' in your posts with a capital 'G' - and so, I know that you believe in God, Steven.
This is a bad time for you. I empathize. Trust in Him to help see you through. Know that He is and will be there.
There IS no 'good time' to lose one who has been so special. Your father will always be there, Steven - in your memories, in your thoughts, even in some of your interests and behavioral patterns. You carry parts of him with you that will never be lost. Hold on to the good memories!
Again, warmest thoughts.
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