i'm a dad

back in 1966, i left england and an entire world to join my father in canada.

he had left a year earlier to establish a life for his wife and two children.

i learned more about the process of that much later when, as an adult,

my parents saw that i could better understand

the terms of the trials and tribulations of their own relationship and how they impacted on life-changing decisions that affected not only their own lives but the lives of countless generations to come.

one day i'll write about how that process affected me

and how its echoes are still echoing.

for now though,

it is extraordinary to me to sit here as a pre-mature adult and think on the course of my life

and the emerging lives of my children.

in fact, it's overwhelming and so i think i'll let that settle in its place.

i love to see, to hold, to know, to be with, and to wonder at my children.

i have been gifted with three.

my oldest boy is alan. he's the boy on the left of the picture above.

he emerged from my first marriage.

alan is so clever, so insightful, so creative, so articulate, and so very much himself.

watching him become himself is an extraordinary privilege and a special joy.

dawson arrived as the first child of my second marriage. he's the boy on the right of the image above.

dawson has so much of me wrapped up inside him wrestling to get out. as soon as he lets that all settle where it will, he'll find himself. i can hardly wait to see the look of astonishment on his face when he finally sees who he is for himself. and only for himself.

in the meantime, it's amazing to watch him learn about the world. the processes are so transparent and so convoluted, sometimes so painfully real and sometimes so beautiful.

alexia (lexie) arrived as the second child of my second marriage.

she is entirely herself and then also her mother.

it's extremely cool to have a daughter.

she provides a necessary balance.

vertically, horizontally, inside and outwards.

for her brothers and for me.

the small and large processes of becoming that a girl passes through are so distinct to those of a boy - and i'm using gender to distinguish but not define who they are - and yet dawson and lexie are very very close.

very.

i love that as much as anything in my life.

it must drive them nuts but i feel a flood of pure love when i see them making their way

through the murk and muzz of their lives

they have reached the point in their lives where they are like cats in their "i need you not" relational pieces but they are also so like puppies in their need for attention and adoration.

i could never have imagined the glorious entirety of being a parent in its all-consuming, all-fulfilling totality.

i'm just glad i get to live it.

happy father's day to all you dads out there!